Explaining Surrogacy to Your Child: Sharing Your Family's Surrogacy Journey With Love

For families who have grown through surrogacy, explaining the journey to young children can raise important questions. Many parents wonder how to explain surrogacy to a child in a way that feels natural, honest, and age-appropriate.

• How much should you share about your family's surrogacy journey?

• When is the right time to discuss it?

• How do you help siblings understand their connection to a surrogate?

We want all of our intended parents to feel confident and ready to approach the topic with compassion and age-appropriate language so that your child feels confident, loved, and proud of their unique story from the very beginning.

Talking About Surrogacy With Children: Meeting Them at Their Level

When it comes to surrogacy and children, making sure they understand they are loved no matter how they came to be is one of, if not the, most important thing you want to convey.

One of the essential parts of discussing surrogacy with children is making sure you meet them at their level. You want to use language and analogies that are simple, honest, and age-appropriate. Make sure both your surrogate-delivered child(ren) and any siblings are given the emotional space, words, and resources to understand how your special family came to be. 

Tips for you to explain surrogacy to children:

• Use age-appropriate books to normalize the idea of diverse families. We’ve compiled a list of surrogacy books for kids for you. 

• Involve them in positive ways, such as making crafts or cards for your surrogate before, during, or after the baby is born.

• Answer questions openly and honestly.

Fielding Questions 

On the topic of answering questions openly and honestly, you might want to prepare yourself for some questions to expect. This will allow you to be as prepared as possible for when the questions inevitably come your way!

Siblings of Surrogate-Carried Children

Some parents turn to gestational surrogacy after having already conceived and carried a child or children on their own. So, when you decide to grow your family through gestational surrogacy, your kids might have some questions about their new sibling and this new important person in your family’s story. 

Here are some questions you might expect from your kids:

• Is this new baby my sibling?

• Why is my sibling not growing inside mommy’s tummy?

• When will my sibling come home?

• Who is this person carrying your baby/ my sibling?

If your child or children are older, they might ask:

• What is surrogacy? How does it work?

• Why can’t you have any more kids the way you had them?

• Will they get to be part of the surrogacy process too?

Surrogate-Carried Children

A child carried by a surrogate may naturally have questions as they grow older and start to understand more about where babies come from and how families are made. These questions will naturally vary depending on the child's age and maturity.

You might even want to prepare for the various questions you’ll receive based on your child’s age and level of biological understanding—after all, their curiosities and questions will inevitably grow more complex as they grow older. 

Here are some questions a young surrogate-carried child might ask:

• Was I in your tummy?

• Why couldn’t you carry me?

• Who is the lady who carried me?

• Do I have two moms?

As your child gets older, their questions might become more complex, such as:

• What is surrogacy? How does it work?

• Why and how did you choose your gestational surrogate?

• How are they genetically related to you and your family? 

• Whether or not they can meet the surrogate one day—if she isn’t already part of your life.

Being ready to field questions—big or small, simple or complex—is the best way you can ensure your child feels heard, understood, and answered. You can find additional suggestions for talking to your children about surrogacy from The Bump.

Knowing When the Time Is Right

The simple answer is: as early and often as possible—in age-appropriate ways.

Beginning to tell your children about your family’s surrogacy journey early and often normalizes your child’s origin story. It makes it something that is simply a part of them and who they are. It also gives them the language tools to explain it to others when they feel comfortable doing so. Talking about it openly and frequently also builds trust between you and your child(ren).

Whether you are nervous about explaining surrogacy to your current children or your future surrogate-carried children, we are here to help you, guide you, and make sure you feel equipped at every turn of this journey. You can get started on your journey today!