Two gay men, a surrogate mother and an egg donor. An American surrogacy agency presents a new family model. Six single-sex Israeli couples are already well on their way to parenthood.

Excerpts from an article in the Israeli newspaper Maariv,
June 8, 2007
By Vered Kelner

Gili and Dror are about to lock up their Tel Aviv apartment, travel to Pittsburg, and wait there for a phone call from Diana, the surrogate mother carrying their twin daughters. In the birth plan they prepared ahead of time, they have specified that if any of the hospital staff members are bothered by the fact that the newborns will have a loving pair of dads, they are kindly asked to step aside. No one is to spoil the moment. A few short weeks after the anticipated birth, once the fathers are recorded in the twins' birth certificates, Gili and Dror will return to Israel in a new, more vocal family format: Daddy, daddy and their twin daughters.

Assisting this family-to-be is Circle Surrogacy, an agency specializing in helping gay couples and singles realize parenthood. Two Israeli gay couples have already used the Boston-based agency, and six more are currently in the process. A similar agency in California is helping a couple more Israeli clients.

All are attempting to bypass the Israeli law that only permits domestic surrogacy arrangements for straight, married couples. It is for that reason that attorney John Weltman, Circle Surrogacy's president, is visiting Israel, along with several experts. Together next Thursday they will hold a seminar for those interested in "Parenting for Men through Surrogacy".

"Parenting for Men" is the natural next step: Two decades after lesbians discovered that using a sperm bank could produce a family without having to deal with testosterone, gay men have now found the formula for achieving a similar result: A real family with no adult female presence. Just themselves, alone with the five o' clock shadow and the kids. However, the male version is more hi-tech, allowing the Israeli couples to go through nine months of pregnancy - via phone and email only.

Are you at all concerned that the girls won't have a mother?

"No. We don't believe that the mommy-daddy model is the sure-fire key to success. Look around you. What kids need is love, warmth and a good upbringing. Social attitudes are a consideration of course, and we are not ignoring the issue of how to give our girls the self-confidence vis-à-vis their circumstances, without having to apologize. For example, we intend to continue living in Tel Aviv, even though we would otherwise have opted for a greener environment. We compromise because here there is such diversity. Our family will not stand out as much."

We searched for health and musical talent.

Ben and Yossi have been together for five years and began to think of parenthood a long time ago. "We felt that our biological clock was ticking,"  laughs Ben. First off, they searched for an unmarried woman who would have a child with them. "We met two different women to examine the option of a triangular family of a mother and two fathers. We quickly discarded the idea," says Yossi. Adds Ben: "We wanted our own family unit". Yossi: "Full-time parenthood is difficult enough as a couple, so who needs a third party?"

Ben: "The next possibility was adoption, but infant adoption by a gay couple is not an option in Israel, and it is very complicated abroad. We heard nightmarish stories of couples who fell victim to all sorts of corrupt adoption agents. Besides which, I work with children and am well aware of the theories of child development. For overseas adoptions, it takes more than a year to get the child, and the child is in an orphanage during that time, often neglected. I know just how critical this period is for the infant's development. And finally, we have this gut feeling that it's important for our child to be genetically linked to us."

Surfing the internet, they discovered Circle Surrogacy. "The agency's role is to arrange the entire operation. They locate suitable women and also represent us legally," explains Ben. The latest trend in surrogacy, which makes it so attractive (and expensive), is the division of tasks referred to as gestational, or "egg donor surrogacy". The surrogate mother carrying the infant is not the biological mother; there are always two women involved in each process - one provides the egg, while the second carries the nine-month pregnancy.
 

There are multiple advantages: Legally, the surrogate has no claim to the fetus she is carrying; also, emotionally, the eventual separation from the infant is that much easier. But an equally important advantage is biological: the egg donors are young, fertile women, which greatly increases the success rate of test-tube fertilization. The surrogates, on the other hand, are more mature women who have previously successfully given birth, and that greatly increases the success rates of the pregnancy. This, together with fathers who have high-quality virile sperm, raises the success rate of an operation like this to about 70% already at the first attempt.

Yossi and Ben will be traveling to the United States this August for the fertilization process, and they fantasize about twins. "The whole procedure is so complicated and expensive - more than $100,000 - that it's probably a once-in-a-lifetime thing" says Ben. "Besides, two children enhance that 'family' feeling".

Yossi recalls: "First we had to decide on the egg donor. It was not at all simple, because it forced us to rationalize what is naturally a very emotional procedure. It was quite surrealistic. We initially received a catalog of 20 women, with the minimum of details: age, eye and hair color, occupation, height, weight and whether they had donated previously. For those we thought suitable, we could ask to see their comprehensive file, with complete medical history, attitudes concerning abortion and gays (which are sensitive issues in the USA), as well as information on personality and family.

"I felt overwhelmed by this critical decision. Normally, you choose your life partner and your child is the result of a loving relationship. This was like choosing a couch at Ikea - selecting fabrics and then colors. The agency recommended that we work with a known donor, not someone anonymous, so that if, heaven forbid, for health reasons we might need her latest medical history or an organ donor, we would be able to contact her. Also if the children should one day ask, we could show them pictures, call or maybe even visit one day".

What were you looking for?

Yossi: "At first we sought all sorts of things that later turned out to be less relevant. We looked for intelligence, health and musical aptitude. Later we understood that the accepted way of measuring intelligence - university grades - was inapplicable for many candidates, who hadn't yet attended or completed college".

Ben: "We learned not to be finicky, and that any child we had would be loved and that we'd accept it as the best in the world". After finding a suitable donor, they then had to choose an appropriate surrogate. "Thankfully this is the agency's task," reassures Ben. "We needed a specific profile of someone ready to work with a non-American gay couple". Yossi: "She also has to reside in one of the states that support surrogacy and gay rights for registering both fathers in the children's birth certificates". Ben: "And sure enough, they found an amazing woman for us".

It's more fun working with gays.

Minette Trent, a veteran surrogate mother, was born in Mississippi, grew up in Louisiana and lives in Texas. "I'm a southern gal," says she with the appropriate accent. After having three of her own children, Trent and her husband decided to call it a day and she had her tubes tied. However, Trent enjoys being pregnant ("my body gets back to normal fast") and she raised the possibility of surrogacy; her husband was enthusiastic. A year and a half ago she gave birth to twins - a boy and a girl - children of a gay man who in the meantime has also found a partner.

Lot's of people need help from surrogates. Why specifically help gay men?

"I have a lesbian aunt who has been living with her partner for 25 years. It took them ages to have a child, so I was very aware of the difficulties. I also have many gay friends who discuss the issues, which led me to realize that helping gays was the ultimate help I could give. Of all people needing help, they are the most discriminated against".

Ron, an Israeli living in New York with his Canadian partner Greg and their six-year old twins Tomer and Elinor, is another satisfied Circle client. According to him, it used to be difficult to find surrogates who were prepared to work with gay men, but over time, many surrogates recognized the advantages: "There is no emotional 'baggage' here of a woman who could not become pregnant; something that could foster tension or a sense of competition between the surrogate and the straight couple. Working with gays has a more 'fun' element. Most straight couples want the surrogate mother to disappear as quickly as possible, to remove all traces of the 'problem'. With us it's obvious that we did not give birth ourselves. Consequently many gays maintain a warm relationship with their surrogates".

It was almost by accident that John Weltman established Circle Surrogacy. He and his partner have two children, aged 12 and 13. "Each of us has a biological son, from the same egg donor and through the same surrogate. We subsequently each adopted each other's son," he explains, two days after the bar mitzvah of their elder son. Weltman and his partner worked through a California agency, which used Weltman's legal skills to help write the required contracts. After a few years, Weltman discovered he unintentionally became an expert in the field. More and more couples who felt lost in the legal maze came to him for help. In 1995 Weltman accepted his destiny, engaged a social worker and together they established Circle Surrogacy "... which is today the largest surrogacy agency on the East Coast" adds Weltman proudly.

How do you locate the women?

"We have three social workers and they select them. Statistically, we accept one in eight potential egg donors, and only one in 30 potential surrogates. It is extremely difficult to find women who meet all our criteria. It is important that the donor is no older than 29 and that she has no medical history of serious illnesses. We also want her parents to be aware [of her decision to donate] and to support her.

"A Surrogate must be married or in a stable relationship, with her partner supporting and encouraging her. He has to sign a separate agreement. She must have gone through pregnancies without any complications, and must be able to tolerate the hormone injections. You have no idea how many women hang up the phone when the subject of injections is mentioned.

How much do they get?

"Egg donors receive between $5000 and $10,000, surrogates between $20,000 and $25,000".

Minette Trent says that she had no idea that she would be paid for the surrogacy. "I knew they'd cover my expenses, but I didn't think of money. When I found out that I would receive something like $20,000 it was fantastic. For years I've thought about going back to college to complete my education, because I left to get married. It is hard to quit working when you have a family to support, and surrogacy enabled me to do so. I went back to school even while I was pregnant".

Trent enjoyed the attention while she was pregnant. "People would ask if it's a boy or girl, and I'd say 'both'. I also added 'and they're not mine'. I had a t-shirt that I ordered via the internet; the front said: 'Not my husband's' and on the back: Not mine either'. People cracked up when they saw it. It was very moving to realize that my body was able to do it. The father visited us several times, he was thereduring the ultrasound and it was all very exciting".

Trent was hospitalized in the 32^nd week with early contractions; after a week on her back, the twins were born. "I hugged and kissed them and said my goodbyes. After two weeks in hospital, I was anxious to get back home to my own children. I was terribly proud to see the twins in their father's arms. However, they did not look like my babies and did not feel like my babies. I felt no need to hold them. You know the feeling - your best friend gives birth, the baby is cute and all, but you just want to get up and leave? That's how I felt. From the start, the idea was to give away the babies. It is like finding that perfect birthday gift, then hiding it away for months until the actual birthday party. And in any case, it is so much easier to get over a pregnancy when you don't have to take care of the babies".

Too many movies on "Hallmark".

Dror and Gili describe how the relationship with their surrogate became even stronger as the pregnancy progressed. "We talk on the phone every two weeks, conversations of an hour and a half at least" says Dror. "She updates us after each medical examination. Sometimes she switches on the speakerphone during the examination so that we can hear the girls' heartbeat, and also ask the obstetrician questions".

Have you read books on pregnancy?

Yes, and I also have girlfriends who are experienced mothers. More than that, on the kibbutz I was a caregiver in the children's nursery, so I know my way around babies". Dror, who was brought up in a religious home, has his parents' full support. "They're extremely happy. True, it took them time to get used to my being gay, but even that was not terribly dramatic. My parents are the religiously observant type that places emphasis on 'Love thy neighbor as thyself'. At times I even feel they are too excited about their future grandchildren and I have to deflect their offers to volunteer and help. The one thing that terrifies them is that the babies will not be handed over to us. That comes from watching too many movies on the Hallmark channel... I try to explain that our surrogate would be even more worried of the possibility that we'll leave the kids with her".

There are bound to be people who say it is not right to change the natural order of birthing children so drastically; that this is an exaggerated manipulation of nature.

"So we shouldn't save cancer patients because we're manipulating nature? Gili and I do not consider nature to be an entity with deterministic significance of its own. Humanity is part of nature, and there is no great dichotomy between mankind and nature. It is a fabrication. Progress is also part of nature. The question is: what does one do about it ethically and morally?"

"I'm one of the first men to have had a child this way" says Weltman "and I can tell you that I have always been motivated to become a father. I cannot see that recognizing my sexuality means that I have to renounce being a parent. Giving up on hopes and dreams is terribly sad. If having children is something that beats inside your heart, never give up on becoming a parent. I'm pretty sure that all the couples that pass our screening process will be exceptionally dedicated and considerate parents, and they deserve to be able to do so".

"Becoming a parent was the most natural thing in the world for me," adds Ron. "I don't think everything nature dictates is absolutely carved in stone. On the contrary, I am filled with admiration at the human ability to overcome the obstacles of nature, and take control in order to make the world a better place. I am totally convinced that the birth of Tomer and Elinor is a case in point".

Before the twins were born, the plan was that Greg, a health-care professional, would stay at home with them. However, after three months, Greg was promoted at work, and Ron replaced him as full time daddy. "By two and half, Tomer and Elinor were convinced that they grew in my stomach, because I was the stay at home parent," relates Ron. "It was then that we began to explain things. We told them that men cannot grow children in their tummies, that only women can. We explained that we had asked a friend to carry them for us". "Only recently, at age six and a half, have we continued the discussion." Ron's family has an extra twist to the story, because the egg donor is Barbara, Greg's sister. Her eggs were fertilized with Ron's sperm. The children had no trouble dealing with this revelation as well. "Our experience has been that if you speak openly, with confidence and a positive attitude, the children (and their friends) accept it very well.

Very sophisticated children

Life within the new family format has its comic moments, as well as opportunities to examine gender stereotypes. "Children drag you out of the closet in the most unusual situations" states Ron. "Wherever we go, they announce that they don't have a mother, but instead - two fathers. At the bank or in stores, the salesperson sometimes asks 'where's your mom?' and the kids are quick to explain. Once we were in a pizza parlor and the sales clerk said: 'Great - you guys have given the wives some free time. I wish there were more folks like you'. If Greg or I don't trouble to set them straight, the children will quickly do so".

How is parenting by two fathers different from straight parenthood?

"I think there is a role defined as 'mother', but it is not dependent on gender," says Ben. "I, despite being a man, can fill the 'mother' role: the parent with the closer relationship, with the softer, more consoling image. I have seen situations where the mother is for some reason no longer present, and I have seen how the father takes over her role and responsibilities".

Yossi: "It's only recently that I grasped that our kids won't have a mother, and the realization is overwhelming. There is some kind of dissimilarity between masculine and feminine energies. I haven't a clue how it will be, but I think we will try to give them some of that energy too. Not that we're so macho".

Ben: "We'll ensure that they have female role models: Grandmothers, aunts etc. The same way single mothers do it, when there is no father figure".

Ron & Greg already have six years of experience: "Many people ask how the children, especially Elinor, will mange without a mother. For example, when she first starts menstruating. There were friends who questioned if two men could be parents, and in a certain sense, we became a laboratory. We have a son and a daughter, and our daughter is the most feminine child imaginable: dolls, hours of fantasy play, drawing and cutouts,writing lovey-dovey notes to us, loves her dresses and generally obsesses about princesses. Believe me: she did not get it from us! Tomer on the other hand is a typical boy. He refuses to touch Elinor's dolls and his first word was 'car'. He loves baseball, even though neither Greg nor I are too athletic.

"I've never felt that my children are missing a mother. Elinor does like to snuggle up to the nursery school teacher and to play with her friends' long hair. But its okay and we accept it naturally. She has teachers, grandmothers, aunts, neighbors; we do not make an issue of it. When Elinor wanted nail polish, we asked around to find out at what age that is acceptable, and went on with it".

And how will you deal with first bra and first period?

"I've lost count of the number of women who have already offered to hold that first serious talk with her when the time comes. I don't think it is going to be a problem. The children are extremely sophisticated, and our attitude is to deal with those issues as a matter of fact and if possible, with a touch of humor".

Translated from the Hebrew by Jonathan Danilowitz
jon-dan@013.net

About Circle Surrogacy

Since 1995, Circle Surrogacy has helped bring to the world over 200 babies. Its dedicated staff of professionals is made up of lawyers, social workers, parents through surrogacy, surrogates and past clients. Circle Surrogacy provides a choice of specialized clinics at locations throughout the country, a large selection of egg donors, swift matching with carefully screened surrogates, and a variety of flexible programs and financial options to suit its clients’ unique family choices.

John Weltman, owner, founder is a Yale graduate and a nationally recognized expert in the field of reproductive law, including surrogacy and gay parenting.

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