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Birth diaries, Surrogate and Donor Stories:

Minette: a surrogate mom story

Minette spoke in April 2006 to a group of prospective parents at NYC's Center Kids. Her moving story was captured in this video, and you can watch the clips from YouTube along the story of her journey as written by her below. 
 

Becoming a Surrogate

I was a teenager when I first learned about surrogacy, and I knew it was something I wanted to do.  At 33, I knew that I was finished filling my own nest, and I began thinking seriously about helping fill someone else’s.  I was nervous about discussing this with my husband; he has always been supportive of my "projects" but I knew this one would require a great deal of commitment and sacrifice from him.  After doing some research, and having my “speech” all planned out, I broached the subject one evening, and was thrilled to find that he was completely supportive, and proud of me for wanting to do it.

Right then, we went together to the computer to look up agency information.  Within a few days, I was working through the screening process with a large agency in California, convinced that my journey had begun.  Unfortunately, the laws in my home state of Texas are not “surrogate friendly” and that agency ultimately parted with me for that reason.  Deflated and discouraged, I floated to two or three other agencies, all of which turned out to be fly-by-night organizations, and not the sort of thing I wanted to be involved in.  In utter frustration, I stayed up all night on Valentines Day, 2005, crawling through surrogate message boards and classified ads, until I stumbled upon Circle Surrogacy.

Finding Intended Parents

Once I discovered Circle, the winding path of this journey became a fast roller coaster ride!  That first day, I had a couple of phone interviews, filled out email questionnaires and submitted photos, and by the second day, I was looking through profiles of Intended Parents!  I wished I could just say yes to them all!...but on in particular, a single Intended Father named Pierre, really stood out to me.  I knew he was the one.

But Circle wasn’t ready to tell Pierre he was the one.  First, I had to go through the Psychological interview and testing, and the background checks before the agency arranged the first phone call between Pierre and me.  We totally hit it off right away, and we both knew this was a perfect match!

Of course, there was a lot of legal work to complete.  Pierre and I worked very closely on the details of the contract, particularly concerning “selective reduction” which is the abortion of one or more embryos to bring a multiple pregnancy down to a safer number.  We were both against this concept, and so decided to only implant two embryos to avoid the risk of triplets or quadruplets.

Relationships and support

Obtaining full family support was a bit of a bumpy road at first.  My mother needed time to ask her questions and come to the full understanding that, with gestational surrogacy, this would not in any way be her grandchild that I was giving away.  My step-father was very uncomfortable with the fact I had decided to carry a baby for a gay man.  He and I had to have a long heart-to-heart discussing his reservations, and my motivations, and we ultimately came to an understanding.  This same concern was brought up many times by other people during and long after the pregnancy, so I was thankful to my step-dad for giving me the chance to sharpen my argument early on in the process!  In fact, he became one of the strongest pillars of my support system.  

My son was too young to know any of this was happening, my middle daughter was as understanding as she could be at 5—she knew that Mommy was carrying a baby for someone who’s tummy didn’t work like that—but my oldest daughter was 11, and she and I had some fantastic conversations about family, discrimination, fertility, and world view, all spawned by my surrogacy.  I will always be thankful for the example this surrogate pregnancy allowed me to set for my children.

My son, my oldest daughter, and my mother accompanied me to New York City for the first face-to-face meeting with Pierre.  It was a wonderful few days, and I thoroughly enjoyed watching my Mom bond with Pierre.  This was an important step in bringing all of my family elements together.  After my official medical screening at Connecticut Fertility (where Dr. Doyle declared I was “born to be pregnant”) we left New York all ready to make babies!

Making Babies

Pierre already had an egg donor lined up, so Circle was ready to begin timing out the fertility treatments for the donor and myself, to bring our bodies in sync for the egg draw and embryo transfer.  This involved daily injections, pills, and suppositories, which were not my favorite thing, but I understood they were necessary for my body to accept the implanted embryos.  My husband was such a good sport about giving me my shots every day, and the occasional trips to a local fertility clinic confirmed that my body was reacting perfectly to the hormones.

On the Fourth of July, I watched the fireworks over New England from the air as my plane landed in Connecticut, delivering my husband and myself for the perfectly timed implant.  Early the next morning, I left Connecticut Fertility carrying precious cargo—two 3-day embryos.

My instructions included two days of bed rest in the hotel before flying home again, and on the second day, a wave of nausea as I stood up to go to breakfast gave me confidence that we were successful!  It was to be the only nausea I experienced in the whole pregnancy.  A few weeks later, all pregnancy tests confirmed the good news.  Then, a couple of weeks after that, more good news:  It was twins!

Pregnancy:

Throughout the pregnancy, the Circle staff was there to answer all of my questions, and take care of my needs.  I felt great!  Healthy, lots of energy, and SO proud of myself!  Right away, I began using the surrogate fee to continue the Bachelor’s Degree I didn’t finish when I was 19.  Going back to school, burgeoning with twins, and knowing I had a great story to tell gave me a new lease on everything (not to mention how gorgeous my skin, hair, and nails were on the pregnancy hormones!)  I LOVED telling people I met about the surrogacy.  I had a maternity t-shirt made that said, on the front, “Not My Husband’s” (of course, written across my enormous pregnant belly!) and on the back, it said, “Not Mine Either!”  

The people who mattered in my life all knew that I was carrying for a gay man, but I didn’t make that a public announcement unless someone was truly interested and asking pointed questions.  I was very proud of what I was doing, but I saw no need to raise concerns or upset in my little Bible Belt tow. My family and friends were all supportive; the check-out lady at Wal-Mart really didn’t need to know.

Communication and Trust

During the entire pregnancy, Pierre and I had a great relationship.  He was very respectful of my "space" and I was respectful of his constant need to be informed.  We fell into a routine of my calling him once a week to chat and laugh, and I scanned and emailed him every sonogram picture from the first little peanut shots.  He came to visit twice, both times to attend a doctor appointment, and I was always so proud to show off my big belly!  The relationship that we built between Pierre’s family and my family has continued to grow in this year since the twins were born.  I believe we are eternally entwined and all better people for knowing each other.

Giving Birth

The problem with carrying multiples is that sometimes they decide to be born early.  I had no idea I was in labor the day I went in (at 32 weeks) for a routine check-up and my doctor sent me immediately to the hospital.  Because I wasn’t prepared for such an event, it was a bit traumatic at first, but my family and friends rallied to help get my kids from school, pack my things, make long-term plans for child care, and all the little details that this sudden change left hanging.  All I had to worry about was staying in bed, taking the steroid shots to help the babies’ lungs develop faster, and hope we could hold things off for a while.

“A while” turned out to be only a week, but that was long enough.  Eve and Vincent were born during the Super Bowl, 2006, both small but strong.  Pierre made it from Virginia to Texas just in time, and was sitting with my mother in the hospital hallway as they brought the babies through, one at a time.  At just under a year from the day I found Circle Surrogacy, my journey as a gestational carrier was officially over, but the relationships, the memories, and the powerful imprint this experience left on my heart will last a lifetime.

About Circle Surrogacy

Since 1995, Circle Surrogacy has helped bring to the world over 350 babies, with unmatched success rates of close to 100% in clients becoming parents through egg donor surrogacy. Its dedicated staff of professionals is made up of lawyers, social workers, parents through surrogacy, and former surrogates and egg donors. Circle Surrogacy provides a choice of specialized clinics at locations throughout the country, a large selection of egg donors, swift matching with carefully screened surrogates, and a variety of flexible programs and financial options to suit its clients' unique family choices.

John Weltman, owner, founder is a Yale graduate and a nationally recognized expert in the field of reproductive law, including surrogacy and gay parenting.